"Coming to you live, from the Roll Easy Studios in Portland Oregon it’s time for America’s #1 Rated Transit Game show! DSP! With America’s most beloved hosts"
Jimmy "Smackers" James! and...
Doug "The Hug" Dougerson.
So sit back, relax and share the laughs because it’s time for… say it with me now!
“Welcome back everybody indeed, it's time for another round of DSP!”
The game show where everyone wins if! everyone makes it alive. With me today is my cohost Doug Dougerson.
Thanks Jimmy. Yes America we’re the game show that brings you the rumbling, the stumbling and the bumbling of altered people trying to get onto busses without getting hurt!
We got a good one for you here today. We’ve sent our cameras to the corners of SE Milwaukie Ave. and SE Claybourne ST, Right here in our own city of Portland Oregon. What did we find there Doug?
Jimmy, this is perhaps the best DSP setup I’ve seen in a long time. It may look like a normal bus stop, but hidden threats are all over this place!
Doug could you walk America through the threats and Dangers of Bus Stop 3911 because to be honest it’s hard to tell what could be wrong with this bus stop, I mean this looks like a normal bus stop. So help us out here would ya."
Sure thing Jimmy, This stop looks like a Lamb but ends out being a Lion, Just look!
That’s right, Up close you have a peaceful looking bus stop but look there on the lower right you have a cut out in the sidewalk for the tree. This has a lip all the way around it and soft soil. Lets Pull back some more.
Look at all the dangers at this end of the stop! We got...
- Old drain pipe just sticking up and yes it’s black so it’s going to be hard to see.
- We have a big soft root clump from old shrubs
- An old DSP favorite, A raised section of curb or as we call them Mr. Trippers! Oh and what could you trip against? how about #4
- A concrete garbage can!
WOW! that is dangerous…
Wait Jimmy we’re not done, look at this! our favorite, a bus shelter!
Wait Doug, back in the day weren't those shelters closer to the side walk? Like right on the edge of the curb, seems like I remember that.
That’s right Jimmy. The shelters were closer to the side walk back in the day, but you know what happened? BUSSES RAN INTO THEM! that’s right, every time a driver made a mistake… BANG!
Wait I know where this is going…
That’s right! They pulled back the shelters from the dangers of the Curb but now they created a dangerous place for riders to stand! If something goes wrong the rider can’t step back to get out of the way so they call it...
THE DEAD ZONE!!!!
And did you see down at the bottom right along the curb… the old horse ring!!!. imagine stepping on that at night as a bus pulls in and what do you think will happen? Lets take a look at a close up.
Wow stop 3911 is full of dangers, even if it looks like an innocent lamb”
Oh but wait! we are not done!
No! How can there be more!
Let’s reverse the Camera and look the other way, towards the direction the bus would be approaching from.
Check this out.
Another lip of concrette
more Soft soil
A huge uneven section of roots.
Raise section of curb
- More soft soil then another sidewalk lip…!
My god Doug this is a horrible stop! Wait! what if people just stood at the stop? You know, way back by the corner where the Stop Sign is? I mean if they just stood there wouldn’t all these dangers be nothing but curiosities?
Hey Jimmy this stop is located amid dozens of bars and restaurants. If drunk people just held still and waited for the bus at a stop, would we even have a game show?
Good point Doug. Now that we know the lay of the land lets take a look at our contestants for todays round, take it away announcer Bob.
Thanks Jimmy, for tonights round of DSP we have...
Driving out of Powell Garage Weighing in at [mutter mutter] it's TriMet’s own "Bus Driver Dan Christensen"
And his challenger will be
Weighing in at 119 pounds of knit capped fury it’s Drunky McHipster.
Drunky McHipster, moved to Portland from Chicago, He has a Ph.D. in political science and Latin American studies with a Masters in Social Understanding. He works at Starbucks but tonight was his night off. He hit a few Micro-breweries and then did a few sake shots at dinner before stopping at his friend's house to hit a couple of joints of fine legally consumable Oregon Green. Now he’s trying to get home by bus!
Well I’m glad he’s going by bus cause I don't think he can drive the way he is weaving about.
Yup that’s the perfect time to go by bus because his judgement is impaired... Ok He's at the stop now.
Oh no he is standing right on the very edge of the bus stop weaving back and forth like a flagpole in a wind storm.
Lookout! here comes Dan Christensen in bus 19. Looks like it's a 40' 15 ton bus, a standard at TriMet. He's just turning onto SE Milwaukee Ave. It's time! Let's start PLAYING!!!
Ok Dan has a medium load, someone has rang the bell but he is looking forward and he sees McHipster swaying on the edge and.... and... He is choosing to stop a little away from McHipster! We have used our Stop-Oh-Matic 5000 computer to estimate Dan's stopping location marked with a red arrow.
That seems like a smart move by Dan, Leaving a 10' Buffer between him and McHipster
That's the kind of heads up play Tri-Met Bus drivers are trained to make... wait!
Oh no! McHipster does not want to waste a moment on boarding so he is walking toward the approaching bus. Look Dan is compensating, the Stop-Matic-500 now says he will stop by the Garbage can...
But oh no! McHipster has now compensated as well and is charging over his first obstacles.
Look OUT! McHipster has stumbled on the hidden drain pipe & hooked a toe on the lifted sidewalk lip and his just Impacted the Garbage can! A Tripple Play!
Look out Dan! Now Dan Is compensating Again. He is breaking more as he pulls in... Will he attempt a pick up in the Dead ZONE!!!!
NO! McHipster is not down! He is continuing on, He has thrown himself forward. A triple play wasn't enough! He's heading to the bus Shelter side at full speed!
Our Stop-O-Matic 5000 computer now puts Dan's stopping here! He is compensating for the rushing forward of McHipster! What a Play! We now have what looks like, yes! A SOFT DIRT PICK UP! I REPEAT A SOFT! DIRT! PICK UP!
Look out America, McHipster is not giving up. He has flipped off the driver and is charging head first through the deadzone between the bus shelter and... No he has clipped his toe on the Horse Ring, He bounces off the shelter! He's IN THE STREETS a Double Play!
CAN YOU SEE THIS!
CAN YOU SEE THIS!
He's still moving towards the approaching bus!!!!
It's do or die time for Dan... will he make the right move or end up in the news! Look out he is stopping as fast as he can. He is pulling to the curb. He's trying not to throw riders on the bus down. Let's look at the Stop-O-Matic... yes he is stopping at the far side of all obstacles... I really don't think it's EVEN A BUS STOP HERE It's A DRIVE WAY!!!
A DRIVEWAY STOP! Look at the red arrow! it doesn't lie! a Driveway STOP!
Death may be off the table but there is still time for injury because nothing can stop McHipster. I haven't seen this tenacity since the 2015 pick up out side the majestic concert hall in Boston. Look at McHipster he is moving too fast. Over the soft dirt, back in the road, back on to the thin curb, he's climbing up the roots and!!! OH MY GOD!
McHipster as fallen into the street in front of the bus!
McHIPSTER IS DOWN!
McHIPSTER IS DOWN!
Look at that! he's in the gutter right where the tires of Dan's Bus would have went. That was close.
Oh McHipster is back up, but he is a winner! because he is not hurt or dead! Look he's boarding alive!
And look at the face of Dan the bus driver, he can't believe what he has just seen! He is still in shock.
Well they are both a winner in my book because they are both alive and unhurt. Oh and in a fit a bad sportsmanship McHipster is blaming the bus driver... well that's what usually happens when there is a double win. Some riders just feel cheated if a driver saves them from injury or death.
Well folks that's all for this week, what a game. Any last words Doug?
A triple play! A double play! An "in and out" of the street! A Curb Crawl and a Street Fall! All in one stop! it don't get no better than this folks. I will see you next week.
Well that's all for us here at the Roll Easy Studios we will see you here next week for more what?
hat's what it feel like some days. Like it's all a game show and people are trying to do the wrong thing to score some points.